Depression...

Ok so firstly thank you to everyone who read my blog last week. I was overwhelmed to have got over a 100 people read it! I didn't think it was that interesting.. but I had some lovely comments via facebook and twitter. So a lot of people commended me on being so open and honest.. so i'm going to keep on writing so honestly and openly.. which could be a bad thing but could also be a good thing.. thank you for taking the time for reading again, i'm going to keep on writing so hope you like this weeks, all comments are appreciated!

 

Depression

 

Depression... what is it?! Some people probably question what depression actually is and what it entails...

Everyone who suffers with depression will suffer on different scales and will/would of had a trigger point with it...

 

That trigger point can be the loss of a loved one, loss of a certain life, bullying, being unhappy in a certain situation, unhappy childhood, seeing someone suffer.. Ok lets face it the list is endless right? Anything can trigger it.

 

In my case my depression came with a loss of life I had and what I knew I couldn't have... I guess its not to the extreme of loosing someone who I love but that's what my trigger point was and still is...

 

I can still be in denial with my depression and i'm happy to admit that. I've suffered with it since I was 14-15, I am now 20. It's only been since this year I've been able to really accept that my depression is still here and probably always will be. My depression is like a rollercoaster up, down, round and round!

 

My lowest point was 2-3 years ago when I was bed bound with my M.E... Couldn't move, lived in my P.Js, my mom had to help me with the toilet, showering, standing up, you name it my mom had to do it for me.. Even to the extreme at some points of feeding me.

I used to be on morphine to help the pain.. although it didn't really help! (weird how the body wouldn't even let that pain relief work!)

Morphine made me into a zombie. I didn't know what was happening around me, I felt lost.

I remember it being 1 evening, I couldn't feel my legs, I was paralysed.. mom had to help me have a wee, I wet myself because I couldn't get up quick enough... Mom was brilliant as always, she's 1 amazing woman my mom! I remember crying.. Mom was saying "its ok, its just an accident, 1 of those things" From that I had to wear incontinence pads, bit like a nappy but for adults because I kept having problems. No i'm not ashamed to admit it, M.E can do that to you.. That you can't get to the toilet because you don't have the energy so you have to have a commode, like a seat with a bucket underneath. I felt so ashamed at that time to admit it.

I remember thinking to myself "what's happening to me, who am I, what's the point in this life"

No one will know this till now (but I did say I was going to be honest) I didn't want to be here anymore, I hated the life I had, I didn't see my relevance in the world anymore... I wanted the suffering and pain to stop, i didn't want to wake up anymore...

I felt like that for a while but I never wanted to tell anyone because I was ashamed of how I was feeling and never wanted my family: mom, dad, brother (Luke) and sister (Amy) to think it was them or even blame themselves. Us 5 are a tight unit and we all bounce off each other and when 1 suffers we all do, that's the way us Whittingham's have always worked. We've had too. Luckily I didn't give up and i'm here now to tell the tale.

Music funny enough helped me get out that dark place.. I stopped listening to the tune and started listening to the words of songs and that strangely helped me.

Before anyone worries I've never had those thoughts since. I've fought hard and i'm not ashamed to admit I still am fighting. Depression will always be an on going battle but I wont give up!

 

My depression has been bad lately as I have suffered a relapse in my health and I am bed bound/house bound. If I manage to get out once a week I think its my birthday... sad eh! ;-) But its not just that we've also recently discovered that my dad has Parkinson's disease... It made me angry to think that out of all those selfish, horrible and bad people in the world and my dad who is 1 of my hero's could get so ill.. I felt/still feel it is just so unfair to see my dad suffer.. and Parkinson's isn't just a 'shake' as people think there's a lot more to it, if only people knew!

 Yet again its made me, mom, dad, Luke and Amy a tighter family unit than ever realising we'll take on anything that comes our way, we stick together. We have had a 6th family member added to our family lately and that's Paul. Who has been nothing but amazing, everything he has had to take on in just a short space of time!

 

I feel that depression isn't recognised enough and I HATE that it gets labelled by some people that if your 'depressed' your automatically 'mad' this is so NOT the case and the day people accept that the better in my opinion!!!

 

I am so lucky that I have the best support system going when my depression gets bad...

If it wasn't for my mom, dad, Luke, Amy and Paul I would be very lost and in a dark place!

I  do get annoyed with myself when I have dark days and moan as I am lucky compared to some people with my life and the people I have in it.

 

If you do feel like your in a dark place, don't suffer alone and remember not to give up, you can get through anything, don't give up!!! :-)

 

So this last paragraph is a thank you from the bottom of my heart to the best mom in the world, the best dad in the world, the best sister in the world, best brother in the world and the best boyfriend in the world who still help me get through every day and they all put a smile on my face in what ever they do! I'm proud and lucky to have you all in my life and I love you all with every piece of my heart! -thank you!

 

 

Sorry for the long blog, I can write for England sometimes! ;-)

 

Kate! XO