Sacrifice's?

Can I just say a quick thank you to everyone who read and commented to me about last week's blog... I'm glad people are reading them and finding them interesting. I hope I can keep writing and you want to keep reading! -Thank you for your comments, much appreciated!

Sacrifice's

 

This week's blog comes with a little help from Amy as she helped me pick the topic, so Amy thank you! ;-)

 

 

Ok so at some point in life everyone makes sacrifice's, whether it's be big or small...

 

This week i had to sacrifice something that was pretty big to me.. maybe not to anyone else but to me it was big. I was due to go and see Lawson in concert and because of my M.E relapsing I couldn't go. There a band for anyone who doesn't know and I am a HUGE fan to say the least!

I had to pick what was more important... my health or a concert.

Guess many of you are thinking yeah concert all the way.. yeah if only it was that simple!

There are simple reason's why this just wasn't possible!

• I didn't physically have the energy to get ready
• I had the risk of being so much worse off than what I already was
• Anxiety, which seems to have been particularly bad lately
• I also had literally no sleep that day

Ok, I could of probably thought of loads of reasons but mainly it was I have to think of the impact on my health. I used to take many risks on my health which used to make me 100 times worse! Something I now can't afford to do. This week my M.E was particularly worse than normal as I struggled with speech, picking things up, dropping things, struggling to walk to the toilet which is a few steps away and even raising my arm slightly became difficult. So if I felt like that before how I went how the hell would I of been the next day?!

 

My mom made sacrifices for me when I become ill, ones that the word 'thank you' will never be enough. She gave up working, a job she enjoyed and made a difference to people's lives... Instead she gave up work to care for me 24/7. From the simplest things that  some people would laugh about like helping me with the toilet, to taking me out and getting some sort of life! You name it my mom has to do it for me...

 

Paul said to me this week if only people realised what M.E can actually do to you... He said how much people take things for granted even to the point of feeding themselves or even lifting there arms. Something us M.E sufferers struggle day to day with but its not just M.E sufferers, other illnesses are the same! I used to think Parkinson's was just a shake then my dad got it and he/he is getting worse with the simplest of tasks being difficult... So it makes me think twice now!

 

Amy my little sister has also had to make many sacrifices, considering she is only 16!

A lot of people are aware Amy has M.E and fibromyalgia herself so she can't unfortunately live the life she wants. Before she got ill, Amy wanted to be a carer. Something that she would of been amazing at, anyone who knows Amy will know what a loving, warm and kind person she is, she would of been amazing! Sadly because of the M.E she can't physically do that... instead she is hoping to become some sort of teaching assistant. Last year she wasn't able to do as many GCSE's as what 'normal' people would do, but she did a few an what amazing results she had for those! A lot of sacrifices for a 16 year old who just wants a normal life!

 

M.E sufferers have to sacrifice a lot of independence!

 

It's not just M.E sufferers who make sacrifices... my point i'm making is that sometimes loads of sacrifices are made in life, perhaps more than we realise?

I mean what do you have to sacrifice? Its a question to think about...

 

A quote I heard off 1 of my favourite TV programmes 'One Tree Hill' I thought it was quite relevant for this week's blog...

 

"Sometimes Our Hearts Are Willing But Our Bodies Say No" 

 

Anyway till next week,

 

Keep smiling!!! :-)

 

Kate! XO



Depression...

Ok so firstly thank you to everyone who read my blog last week. I was overwhelmed to have got over a 100 people read it! I didn't think it was that interesting.. but I had some lovely comments via facebook and twitter. So a lot of people commended me on being so open and honest.. so i'm going to keep on writing so honestly and openly.. which could be a bad thing but could also be a good thing.. thank you for taking the time for reading again, i'm going to keep on writing so hope you like this weeks, all comments are appreciated!

 

Depression

 

Depression... what is it?! Some people probably question what depression actually is and what it entails...

Everyone who suffers with depression will suffer on different scales and will/would of had a trigger point with it...

 

That trigger point can be the loss of a loved one, loss of a certain life, bullying, being unhappy in a certain situation, unhappy childhood, seeing someone suffer.. Ok lets face it the list is endless right? Anything can trigger it.

 

In my case my depression came with a loss of life I had and what I knew I couldn't have... I guess its not to the extreme of loosing someone who I love but that's what my trigger point was and still is...

 

I can still be in denial with my depression and i'm happy to admit that. I've suffered with it since I was 14-15, I am now 20. It's only been since this year I've been able to really accept that my depression is still here and probably always will be. My depression is like a rollercoaster up, down, round and round!

 

My lowest point was 2-3 years ago when I was bed bound with my M.E... Couldn't move, lived in my P.Js, my mom had to help me with the toilet, showering, standing up, you name it my mom had to do it for me.. Even to the extreme at some points of feeding me.

I used to be on morphine to help the pain.. although it didn't really help! (weird how the body wouldn't even let that pain relief work!)

Morphine made me into a zombie. I didn't know what was happening around me, I felt lost.

I remember it being 1 evening, I couldn't feel my legs, I was paralysed.. mom had to help me have a wee, I wet myself because I couldn't get up quick enough... Mom was brilliant as always, she's 1 amazing woman my mom! I remember crying.. Mom was saying "its ok, its just an accident, 1 of those things" From that I had to wear incontinence pads, bit like a nappy but for adults because I kept having problems. No i'm not ashamed to admit it, M.E can do that to you.. That you can't get to the toilet because you don't have the energy so you have to have a commode, like a seat with a bucket underneath. I felt so ashamed at that time to admit it.

I remember thinking to myself "what's happening to me, who am I, what's the point in this life"

No one will know this till now (but I did say I was going to be honest) I didn't want to be here anymore, I hated the life I had, I didn't see my relevance in the world anymore... I wanted the suffering and pain to stop, i didn't want to wake up anymore...

I felt like that for a while but I never wanted to tell anyone because I was ashamed of how I was feeling and never wanted my family: mom, dad, brother (Luke) and sister (Amy) to think it was them or even blame themselves. Us 5 are a tight unit and we all bounce off each other and when 1 suffers we all do, that's the way us Whittingham's have always worked. We've had too. Luckily I didn't give up and i'm here now to tell the tale.

Music funny enough helped me get out that dark place.. I stopped listening to the tune and started listening to the words of songs and that strangely helped me.

Before anyone worries I've never had those thoughts since. I've fought hard and i'm not ashamed to admit I still am fighting. Depression will always be an on going battle but I wont give up!

 

My depression has been bad lately as I have suffered a relapse in my health and I am bed bound/house bound. If I manage to get out once a week I think its my birthday... sad eh! ;-) But its not just that we've also recently discovered that my dad has Parkinson's disease... It made me angry to think that out of all those selfish, horrible and bad people in the world and my dad who is 1 of my hero's could get so ill.. I felt/still feel it is just so unfair to see my dad suffer.. and Parkinson's isn't just a 'shake' as people think there's a lot more to it, if only people knew!

 Yet again its made me, mom, dad, Luke and Amy a tighter family unit than ever realising we'll take on anything that comes our way, we stick together. We have had a 6th family member added to our family lately and that's Paul. Who has been nothing but amazing, everything he has had to take on in just a short space of time!

 

I feel that depression isn't recognised enough and I HATE that it gets labelled by some people that if your 'depressed' your automatically 'mad' this is so NOT the case and the day people accept that the better in my opinion!!!

 

I am so lucky that I have the best support system going when my depression gets bad...

If it wasn't for my mom, dad, Luke, Amy and Paul I would be very lost and in a dark place!

I  do get annoyed with myself when I have dark days and moan as I am lucky compared to some people with my life and the people I have in it.

 

If you do feel like your in a dark place, don't suffer alone and remember not to give up, you can get through anything, don't give up!!! :-)

 

So this last paragraph is a thank you from the bottom of my heart to the best mom in the world, the best dad in the world, the best sister in the world, best brother in the world and the best boyfriend in the world who still help me get through every day and they all put a smile on my face in what ever they do! I'm proud and lucky to have you all in my life and I love you all with every piece of my heart! -thank you!

 

 

Sorry for the long blog, I can write for England sometimes! ;-)

 

Kate! XO

 



First blog post eeek...

Ok so I thought i'd start a blog to perhaps write my feelings down, have a moan, some where to express how I feel.

If someone would of asked me 15 years ago where i'd be in 5 years time it would not be the place i'm at right now...

 

In bed, laptop on my lap, tv on whilst everyone my age is off making a life, living, having families, going to university, at college, got jobs etc... Wow that sounds tragic!

Instead i'm sitting here writing this blog expressing how I feel and how my life hasn't turned out the way I want it to have...

 

M.E so people (majority) don't know what it is... a lot of people probably couldn't care less what it is, doesn't effect them so why should you care? I don't blame you to a certain extent but I would like to say I have M.E an people go 'ahhh yeah I know what that is' not for sympathy or any of that crap but because explaining a medical condition that no one knows about can get a tad frustrating. It's no ones fault it is just the way the world is I guess...

I wont bore you with details an facts about the illness, even I get bored of it...

 

Guess being bed/house bound at the age of 20 is something I find frustrating not being able to enjoy life, make a living, make people proud, make a career for myself.

When I first went into hospital an I thought it was just a bad water infection an that i'd be better within the next week or so I thought to myself 'yeah I want a career in nursing, helping people' then I got more ill an I felt more determined to do it an make a change in peoples lives. I guess some people would say your only 20 what's the rush, which is true then you've got people i.e medical professions who think you can live a normal life with M.E, yeah some people can an to those people who do you inspire me, then there's the sufferers who can't because there either house/bed bound or even both... 

Some people can manage college or work few times a week and to I take my hat off to you people for that! 

My body just doesn't seem to want to do those things... simply because of pain, tiredness, headaches, energy levels etc but I do have ambition... I have realised that the things I want are going to have to be smaller. 

 

So i'm going to name 3 things I want to happen in the next 5 years:

• marry the love of my life Paul Phillips :-)
• make a success of my hand made cards
• hope that things get better/easier for my family  

I might not be able to have the life I wanted, but i'm going to make those 3 things happen! :-)

 

So i'm hoping that if your reading this that you would want me to write again but if not it feels good to be writing how I feel...

 

Thank you for reading! :-)