Acceptance

Acceptance

 

When your born you don't have a manual guide that will help you through life, you have to make your own manual along the way as you get older...

 

In this world there are many different types of people. Different sizes, shapes, ethnicity, personality, confident, religion. Ok the fact is this world is full of different people. Each person in this world is different in their own way and that way is special, we should all accept and embrace how different we are. Coming from me this seems hypocritical really...

 

Lets be honest everyone in there head has this idea of the person they would love to be... So mine would be successful, healthy, confident, skinny, independent, popular, a role model... Ok so pretty much perfect, guess we'd all like that. When really I'm FAR from all of those...

 

For nearly all my life and I'm not going to lie yeah I still have those days where I feel the most un successful person going (if that's even a word!), I have no confidence, I'm FAR from skinny, independent (not at times), popular something I never will be, a role model hmm I very much doubt! I have so much self doubt about who I am. Sure people can say to you that your not those things but in your own head you'll never accept what they tell you.

 

I guess when I got ill a lot of them things changed... Sure some people with M.E go out there and are able to study and become successful people and to you reading this I salute you!

I've always wanted to believe I will have some career in something so that people would be proud of me. Yet I read that sentence and it makes me realise I want to do things for other people and make a point to others and why?

 

The past few weeks I've came to realisation I've tried so, so hard to be someone I'm not. This time last year I was convinced I was going to be better, get a job, go nightclubbing, get drunk, walk miles and miles, be 'normal' if there is a 'normal'...

Yet this wasn't and never will be me. Guess I sort of rebelled because I wanted to impress people who I didn't need too... the question I ask myself now is why did I?

I now realise I have NOTHING to prove to anyone... I am who I am!

So what if I like crafting and making cards, staying in on weekends watching xfactor with mom & dad, playing monopoly with Paul, Luke & Amy... I don't care anymore what people think of me.

 

It makes me wonder how many other people feel lost?

The past year I've found who I'm meant to be... I'm meant to be this girl who lives for her family, enjoy going out on silly little trips to Tesco with mom & dad, going to the cinema rather than night clubbing, having a cheeky glass of wine with dad on Saturday, Paul making me laugh while he's pushing me in a wheelchair racing behind people. So what if I'm not able to work because I'm too ill, so what if I have to go in a wheelchair, so what if I'd rather spend time with my family then seeing friends... so what!

 

I'm fed up of not accepting that I am that person... I have come to a conclusion that instead of being ashamed of that person I'm going to embrace and accept I am who I am!

 

Sure a lot of people don't believe in M.E... Those people think we should work, to those who do answer me this so we work, do a few hours, then we crash asleep on the desk... yeah that's professional...

I tried to do college once a week, only a few hours... Last week I had to wake myself up from falling asleep on the desk! Quite embarrassing really!

I did college because I wanted to prove to people I wasn't thick an I never wanted people to think I was lazy either...

Read that sentence again, it was for other people... I'm now thinking to myself why?!

All I have done is want to impress other people... when in the end I have gained nothing from it.

 

I've come to the conclusion everyone is different in this world. You might not be what some people call 'fun' so what if your not? As long as your happy with what you do that's all that matters.

From now on I'm accepting I am who I am and to anyone that doesn't like it... well you know the answer to that. No one in this world is perfect or has this 'perfect' life.

 

I'd rather be someone who looks after there family, in love, penny less, rather than be someone who has money, successful, lonely and selfish who only thinks of themselves.

 

They say everything happens for a reason, I'm 1 of those people that believes that I got ill because there is obviously a different path for me,  I was lost because I needed that person to help fix me an make me realise that I'm fine the way I am and to that person I have to thank is Paul, my mom made me realise I don't need qualifications to be a better person...

 

Life is too short to care what people think... enjoy life the way you want too not the way you think others would want you too!

 

Be Happy!

 

Kate XO.



Anxiety

Firstly, i apologise i haven't blogged in a while. I've not been feeling great and I've been having few down days, which i'm not ashamed to admit... Secondly, thank you to every single person that keeps reading my blog, sharing on facebook, RT'ing on twitter etc! I can't thank you enough, i started blogging to get my feelings out and i'm so grateful for the response i have! Keep sharing, RT'ing etc. If i can help 1 person, I've made a difference! -Thank you!

Anxiety...

 

Ok so how do you exactly explain anxiety? Not an easy question really, so here it goes...

 

Anxiety, hard to explain really when your not a medical profession to give details, stats and all that rubbish... even still then doctors don't really help...

So I'm what.. 1 in many, many people who suffer with anxiety. This for a first wasn't caused because of my M.E well I don't think it was anyway.

 

It started about 4-5 years ago I think it was. I was asleep, peacefully i'd say, although when I get to sleep I do tend to dream a lot, can be very random! Although this dream I THOUGHT I was having wasn't exactly a dream when I woke up...

 

In our old house we had 4 bedrooms upstairs, but because of my M.E at that time I was actually bed bound, couldn't walk, had no feeling in my legs nothing really. So I had a room downstairs that mum and dad turned into a bedroom for me as I obviously wasn't able to get upstairs.

It was a room on the front of the house, had a street lamp outside... you'd of thought it would of kept me awake but funny enough it didn't. My bed was at the back of the room facing the window, with a small TV in the corner.

 

Anyway this 1 night in July was about 3:50AM, early morning on a Saturday. I was sound asleep as was the rest of the house. I was having this dream, well I thought it was a dream where I had 2 shadows outside my window. One was wearing some sort of cap, the other had a shaved head from what I gathered. They had a crow bar in their hands, wearing gloves from what I could tell from the shadow... they were actually trying to get into my room, so they was trying to break into the house... Of course I opened my eyes after that I thought to myself "what a weird dream!" I thought it was strange i woke up on my back as i normally sleep on my front or back, i tilted my head about 10cm forward if that... Yeah it wasn't actually a dream it was actually happening, two men were actually trying to break in! I froze for a few seconds, my heart i thought was actually going to come out my chest, i thought "oh my god, they are gonna get in" I could see this crow bar being pulled with quite a bit of force then there partner in crime was trying with a screw driver, they kept trying and trying, not giving up! After i got my head around the situation, thinking they were going to get in and the thought they were gonna hurt me and i hadn't got the energy to fight them back if they got in, i actually slowly reached for my phone which was on my bed side table. I didn't want to move much in case they could see my reflection. I made a phone call to my mum, i remember it ringing... and when mum picked up she said "is everything ok?" i replied saying in a shivery voice "mom, there's someone trying to break into my room!" I remember whispering that in case they could hear me and mum saying "WHAT!" an rushed downstairs with dad, at this point the two men had gone. Next i remember dad with a baseball bat then running back upstairs to look out their window to see where they was, they was trying to get into the house up the corner and i remember dad shouting "I can see the little b*******!" Mum was giving me a hug at this point... then she had to block the front door as my dad wanted to find the men who were trying to break in! I remember mum and dad being down within seconds and in that space she had rang the police. It took the police exactly 3 minutes to get to ours, we had a police car, riot van and a helicopter out. They got my dad in the van because they thought if my dad had caught the two men before them that dad would of killed them. So the police kept my dad in the van, dad gave the statement on my behalf as i felt really shaky... If that's even the word to describe it! I then remember mum helping me into my wheelchair an she rolled me to the front door and there was a neighbour being nosy or being concerned, i don't know but she was confused what was happening.

Anyway the two men got away with it when they did eventually get caught by the police as apparently they were 'out clubbing and needed a pee' funny enough it was an estate... not on a main road! There was evidence on my window that there was a screw driver and crow bar that had been used, but because they had wore gloves there was no finger prints and the police couldn't do anything.

 

Ever since that incident i have suffered quite bad with anxiety... I only have to hear a noise at night and i'm scared! Luckily enough we moved out that house with 1 of the reasons being i just couldn't be in that house anymore along with other reasons.

 

I keep thinking to myself that i have my anxiety under control... but i actually don't!

It was a few months back now, i had Lawson posters in my room. One night i remember waking up and could hear a noise and actually thought it was happening again, i could hear noises and started to have a panic attack... although thankfully it wasn't actually that, it was my Lawson poster falling off my wall slowly. It took me a while to calm down.

 

Ever since all that happened i seem to have an anxiety with people. If i go out and there is loads of people around me i panic, can feel my heart beating really fast, breathing goes funny and then i have to say to my mum can we get out of here. I feel uncomfortable meeting new people, people sometimes coming to the house. I just feel anxious and wary.

 

I seem to get anxious a lot when there's a situation i can't control. All this going on with my dad, him being diagnosed with Parkinson's disease a few months back made me feel anxious. It was a situation i couldn't make better or get under control for him. Seeing the people i love and care about suffer makes me really anxious and panic as i need them!

 

I was meant to be having a party for my 21st birthday party but yet again my anxiety came into it. All those people around me, feeling suffocated and no where to go, all the stress of feeling no one's gonna turn up... i thought to myself i don't need this stress along with everything else, so me and mum came to the right decision to cancel.

 

I have good and bad days with my anxiety, along with millions of people who suffer with it!

With some cases of anxiety you can't even manage to leave the house, the thought is that frightening! 

 

Yeah sure you can get help and medication for anxiety but should we really just keep sweeping anxiety under the carpet?!

I am not ashamed to say i suffer with depression and anxiety and yes that might come under mental health the word i hate 'mental' but i am no way ashamed!

I used to be years ago as i felt i was 'weird' but i embrace it now, why should we be ashamed?

There are many reasons why people suffer with anxiety and depression.

 

For example i'm sure my mum won't mind me mentioning she suffers from both because of her bad childhood which has made her suffer.

 

I am lucky i have a very amazing support system but it makes me sad to think of the people who don't have that support from family or friends... Someone to listen and understand!

 

I want more done to help people, not just to be swept under the carpet with appointment after appointment...

 

I understand some people can get bit better if they are on medication or see a councillor BUT there will always be that trigger point that could bring it back, not as bad but it'll always be there!

 

To the people who can get over it, i applaud you and how strong minded you are but to those who cant.. KEEP FIGHTING!

 

M.E, anxiety and depression is a battle i won't loose against!

 

Kate XO.

 



Sacrifice's?

Can I just say a quick thank you to everyone who read and commented to me about last week's blog... I'm glad people are reading them and finding them interesting. I hope I can keep writing and you want to keep reading! -Thank you for your comments, much appreciated!

Sacrifice's

 

This week's blog comes with a little help from Amy as she helped me pick the topic, so Amy thank you! ;-)

 

 

Ok so at some point in life everyone makes sacrifice's, whether it's be big or small...

 

This week i had to sacrifice something that was pretty big to me.. maybe not to anyone else but to me it was big. I was due to go and see Lawson in concert and because of my M.E relapsing I couldn't go. There a band for anyone who doesn't know and I am a HUGE fan to say the least!

I had to pick what was more important... my health or a concert.

Guess many of you are thinking yeah concert all the way.. yeah if only it was that simple!

There are simple reason's why this just wasn't possible!

• I didn't physically have the energy to get ready
• I had the risk of being so much worse off than what I already was
• Anxiety, which seems to have been particularly bad lately
• I also had literally no sleep that day

Ok, I could of probably thought of loads of reasons but mainly it was I have to think of the impact on my health. I used to take many risks on my health which used to make me 100 times worse! Something I now can't afford to do. This week my M.E was particularly worse than normal as I struggled with speech, picking things up, dropping things, struggling to walk to the toilet which is a few steps away and even raising my arm slightly became difficult. So if I felt like that before how I went how the hell would I of been the next day?!

 

My mom made sacrifices for me when I become ill, ones that the word 'thank you' will never be enough. She gave up working, a job she enjoyed and made a difference to people's lives... Instead she gave up work to care for me 24/7. From the simplest things that  some people would laugh about like helping me with the toilet, to taking me out and getting some sort of life! You name it my mom has to do it for me...

 

Paul said to me this week if only people realised what M.E can actually do to you... He said how much people take things for granted even to the point of feeding themselves or even lifting there arms. Something us M.E sufferers struggle day to day with but its not just M.E sufferers, other illnesses are the same! I used to think Parkinson's was just a shake then my dad got it and he/he is getting worse with the simplest of tasks being difficult... So it makes me think twice now!

 

Amy my little sister has also had to make many sacrifices, considering she is only 16!

A lot of people are aware Amy has M.E and fibromyalgia herself so she can't unfortunately live the life she wants. Before she got ill, Amy wanted to be a carer. Something that she would of been amazing at, anyone who knows Amy will know what a loving, warm and kind person she is, she would of been amazing! Sadly because of the M.E she can't physically do that... instead she is hoping to become some sort of teaching assistant. Last year she wasn't able to do as many GCSE's as what 'normal' people would do, but she did a few an what amazing results she had for those! A lot of sacrifices for a 16 year old who just wants a normal life!

 

M.E sufferers have to sacrifice a lot of independence!

 

It's not just M.E sufferers who make sacrifices... my point i'm making is that sometimes loads of sacrifices are made in life, perhaps more than we realise?

I mean what do you have to sacrifice? Its a question to think about...

 

A quote I heard off 1 of my favourite TV programmes 'One Tree Hill' I thought it was quite relevant for this week's blog...

 

"Sometimes Our Hearts Are Willing But Our Bodies Say No" 

 

Anyway till next week,

 

Keep smiling!!! :-)

 

Kate! XO



Depression...

Ok so firstly thank you to everyone who read my blog last week. I was overwhelmed to have got over a 100 people read it! I didn't think it was that interesting.. but I had some lovely comments via facebook and twitter. So a lot of people commended me on being so open and honest.. so i'm going to keep on writing so honestly and openly.. which could be a bad thing but could also be a good thing.. thank you for taking the time for reading again, i'm going to keep on writing so hope you like this weeks, all comments are appreciated!

 

Depression

 

Depression... what is it?! Some people probably question what depression actually is and what it entails...

Everyone who suffers with depression will suffer on different scales and will/would of had a trigger point with it...

 

That trigger point can be the loss of a loved one, loss of a certain life, bullying, being unhappy in a certain situation, unhappy childhood, seeing someone suffer.. Ok lets face it the list is endless right? Anything can trigger it.

 

In my case my depression came with a loss of life I had and what I knew I couldn't have... I guess its not to the extreme of loosing someone who I love but that's what my trigger point was and still is...

 

I can still be in denial with my depression and i'm happy to admit that. I've suffered with it since I was 14-15, I am now 20. It's only been since this year I've been able to really accept that my depression is still here and probably always will be. My depression is like a rollercoaster up, down, round and round!

 

My lowest point was 2-3 years ago when I was bed bound with my M.E... Couldn't move, lived in my P.Js, my mom had to help me with the toilet, showering, standing up, you name it my mom had to do it for me.. Even to the extreme at some points of feeding me.

I used to be on morphine to help the pain.. although it didn't really help! (weird how the body wouldn't even let that pain relief work!)

Morphine made me into a zombie. I didn't know what was happening around me, I felt lost.

I remember it being 1 evening, I couldn't feel my legs, I was paralysed.. mom had to help me have a wee, I wet myself because I couldn't get up quick enough... Mom was brilliant as always, she's 1 amazing woman my mom! I remember crying.. Mom was saying "its ok, its just an accident, 1 of those things" From that I had to wear incontinence pads, bit like a nappy but for adults because I kept having problems. No i'm not ashamed to admit it, M.E can do that to you.. That you can't get to the toilet because you don't have the energy so you have to have a commode, like a seat with a bucket underneath. I felt so ashamed at that time to admit it.

I remember thinking to myself "what's happening to me, who am I, what's the point in this life"

No one will know this till now (but I did say I was going to be honest) I didn't want to be here anymore, I hated the life I had, I didn't see my relevance in the world anymore... I wanted the suffering and pain to stop, i didn't want to wake up anymore...

I felt like that for a while but I never wanted to tell anyone because I was ashamed of how I was feeling and never wanted my family: mom, dad, brother (Luke) and sister (Amy) to think it was them or even blame themselves. Us 5 are a tight unit and we all bounce off each other and when 1 suffers we all do, that's the way us Whittingham's have always worked. We've had too. Luckily I didn't give up and i'm here now to tell the tale.

Music funny enough helped me get out that dark place.. I stopped listening to the tune and started listening to the words of songs and that strangely helped me.

Before anyone worries I've never had those thoughts since. I've fought hard and i'm not ashamed to admit I still am fighting. Depression will always be an on going battle but I wont give up!

 

My depression has been bad lately as I have suffered a relapse in my health and I am bed bound/house bound. If I manage to get out once a week I think its my birthday... sad eh! ;-) But its not just that we've also recently discovered that my dad has Parkinson's disease... It made me angry to think that out of all those selfish, horrible and bad people in the world and my dad who is 1 of my hero's could get so ill.. I felt/still feel it is just so unfair to see my dad suffer.. and Parkinson's isn't just a 'shake' as people think there's a lot more to it, if only people knew!

 Yet again its made me, mom, dad, Luke and Amy a tighter family unit than ever realising we'll take on anything that comes our way, we stick together. We have had a 6th family member added to our family lately and that's Paul. Who has been nothing but amazing, everything he has had to take on in just a short space of time!

 

I feel that depression isn't recognised enough and I HATE that it gets labelled by some people that if your 'depressed' your automatically 'mad' this is so NOT the case and the day people accept that the better in my opinion!!!

 

I am so lucky that I have the best support system going when my depression gets bad...

If it wasn't for my mom, dad, Luke, Amy and Paul I would be very lost and in a dark place!

I  do get annoyed with myself when I have dark days and moan as I am lucky compared to some people with my life and the people I have in it.

 

If you do feel like your in a dark place, don't suffer alone and remember not to give up, you can get through anything, don't give up!!! :-)

 

So this last paragraph is a thank you from the bottom of my heart to the best mom in the world, the best dad in the world, the best sister in the world, best brother in the world and the best boyfriend in the world who still help me get through every day and they all put a smile on my face in what ever they do! I'm proud and lucky to have you all in my life and I love you all with every piece of my heart! -thank you!

 

 

Sorry for the long blog, I can write for England sometimes! ;-)

 

Kate! XO

 



First blog post eeek...

Ok so I thought i'd start a blog to perhaps write my feelings down, have a moan, some where to express how I feel.

If someone would of asked me 15 years ago where i'd be in 5 years time it would not be the place i'm at right now...

 

In bed, laptop on my lap, tv on whilst everyone my age is off making a life, living, having families, going to university, at college, got jobs etc... Wow that sounds tragic!

Instead i'm sitting here writing this blog expressing how I feel and how my life hasn't turned out the way I want it to have...

 

M.E so people (majority) don't know what it is... a lot of people probably couldn't care less what it is, doesn't effect them so why should you care? I don't blame you to a certain extent but I would like to say I have M.E an people go 'ahhh yeah I know what that is' not for sympathy or any of that crap but because explaining a medical condition that no one knows about can get a tad frustrating. It's no ones fault it is just the way the world is I guess...

I wont bore you with details an facts about the illness, even I get bored of it...

 

Guess being bed/house bound at the age of 20 is something I find frustrating not being able to enjoy life, make a living, make people proud, make a career for myself.

When I first went into hospital an I thought it was just a bad water infection an that i'd be better within the next week or so I thought to myself 'yeah I want a career in nursing, helping people' then I got more ill an I felt more determined to do it an make a change in peoples lives. I guess some people would say your only 20 what's the rush, which is true then you've got people i.e medical professions who think you can live a normal life with M.E, yeah some people can an to those people who do you inspire me, then there's the sufferers who can't because there either house/bed bound or even both... 

Some people can manage college or work few times a week and to I take my hat off to you people for that! 

My body just doesn't seem to want to do those things... simply because of pain, tiredness, headaches, energy levels etc but I do have ambition... I have realised that the things I want are going to have to be smaller. 

 

So i'm going to name 3 things I want to happen in the next 5 years:

• marry the love of my life Paul Phillips :-)
• make a success of my hand made cards
• hope that things get better/easier for my family  

I might not be able to have the life I wanted, but i'm going to make those 3 things happen! :-)

 

So i'm hoping that if your reading this that you would want me to write again but if not it feels good to be writing how I feel...

 

Thank you for reading! :-)