#incontrol!!!!

How quick things can change...

Weird... one day you go about your daily life with getting up, dressed, breakfast, work, home, tea then bed. Well this was my dad's routine for so many years, until it all changed, his life changed and not for the better.

My dad is one of the nicest, kindest, funniest, friendliest people you could possibly meet. Always worked hard to get the money in to support his family and give us a great life. My dad is one of those people who would help anyone, always has done.

In July last year he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. We all thought that the tremor in his left arm and hand was perhaps just a trapped nerve or something along those lines... Not Parkinson's Disease. Did I know what Parkinson's Disease was? No, I didn't all I thought was that it was a condition where you had this little shake in your arm and I hadn't a clue about it, also thought it was an illness that only effected old, old people... Oh how I was so wrong!

I remember the day like it was yesterday, guess you remember those days where things change suddenly...
I remember dad had an appointment with the Professor at the hospital, it was the first appointment so it would of been around 9am. They got back around 10-11am, I was in bed asleep as I hadn't been feeling well... Mom came into my room as I said the night before to let me know how it goes. I remember mom's face, with red puffy eyes and the upset on her face... I knew something was instantly wrong. Mom turned round and said "it's Parkinson's Disease" I said "what?" I thought the ground had swallowed me up... I felt numb... I didn't know what to say... I mean what could I say? I sat up... I didn't know anything about Parkinson's or the effect it had on people, I remember asking mom if dad was going to die... because I had no clue what it was all I knew was dad has the tremor in his arm and that was the first time I'd ever seen my dad cry in 21 years...

They say that 127,000 people in the UK are diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. That means every hour within the UK there is a new person being diagnosed.
Is there a cure for this cruel illness... no there isn't and its a fact that it only gets worse not better. The cause of Parkinson's there's certain brain cells that die as there is not enough of the chemical dopamine in your brain that's what can cause it.

The scariest fact is that my dad won't get better... he's only going to get worse... and I hoped this was the worse he could get, well it isn't...
Since last year I've watched my dad's life change so, so quickly!
From the constant shaking in his left arm and hand, watching him become weak, seeing him suffer in pain, loose his balance, him forgetting something I told him several minutes ago, hearing him nearly choke to death at the most simplest task like brushing his teeth, becoming tired so easily, not sleeping, now starting to watch it come into his other arm/hand... seriously if I named everything I'd be till tomorrow night!

This week marks Parkinson's Awareness week, although some of you won't give a sh*t just take a second to think if it was your dad or someone you really loved?

Although we as a family owe a lot to Parkinson UK there support and advice is brilliant! They pointed us in the right direction as a family and helped us in a lot of ways!

If you're one of those people who see's a shaky hand and thinks that the person is an alcoholic next time think that there could be more to it...
My dad worries that people sit, stare and judge him because of the shake that people think he's an alcoholic when the judgers couldn't be more wrong!
From now on my dad has no control on where his life is going to go, apart from get worse...

For years my dad watched me and my sister Amy get ill with M.E and fibromyalgia and we used to think that the people watching it wasn't as bad as living the life with an illness but this time were in the other boat watching as dad gets weaker and from my point of view I can honestly say it makes my heart break into a thousand pieces and when I first found out about the Parkinson's I'm not afraid to admit that I used to sit there and cry as I didn't know what to do to help.

Now sure things are still pretty raw as it was only July that this happened but were ALL adapting to things and dad's lifestyle... making sure he's getting the support he needs.

Although there is one person I haven't mentioned my mom...
Considering my mom has looked after me with me getting ill and Amy too she has also took on the job of looking after my dad too. I do wonder sometimes if my mom is a secret superhero ;-)
If it wasn't for mom this family would of fell apart along time ago but we haven't...

It's strange how certain life event's can make you realise who's there for you and who's not... Life's funny like that but it shows you what's important in life and that life can change very quickly...

All I know is even though dad has this illness it doesn't mean he's a different person he's still the annoying, irritating, funny, loveable, honest, kindest and best dad I can have, and for that I'm lucky! Anyone who knows my dad is lucky to have him in there lives with or without Parkinson's!

If you use social media websites such as twitter or facebook etc then how about showing a bit of support for the sufferers out there? Then use this #incontrol

Lets raise awareness and let people know they are not alone!

Love you dad! :-)

To other sufferers out there stay smiling and keep strong!!!

Thanks for reading!

Kate xo.

7 years... 7 long years...

 So firstly i owe you an apology for this blog being so late, guess i couldn't find an inspiration to write something that was decent without boring you all to death!
So here it is the first blog of 2014...

 

7 years and life goes on...

 

So this month marks the 7th year of me being ill with M.E and fibromyalgia.

7 years ago i was 14 years old, living a normal life for a 14 year old, school, family, friends and being a teenager... Now 21 did i think i'd be where i am today? No i didn't.

I thought i'd be having a career in something. There was several things i wanted to do at that age being a holiday rep, nurse and hairdresser i was torn, but i was only 14 so i had plenty of time to decide...

Scary how things can change in the blink of an eye...

 

So an average morning in the Whititngham household that day was, although i didn't feel too well, so i told mom.

She knew i wasn't too well, so i stayed off school that day. Gathered it was the flu or something...

Although the next day i didn't feel any better so i went to the doctors. Turned out i had a water infection, very painful things!

Anyway i was sent off with anti biotics and told to get some rest so i did...

Went back to school few days later. Few weeks later i didn't feel too well again, i hated it! Up until then i was a healthy child apart from the odd coughs and colds. This time i had a virul infection, so was few days rest for me again with tablets. Although in that time i wasn't well still after a few days... what the hell was up with my body?

Turned out i had ANOTHER water infection!

This was very rare as your only supposed to have so many during a time, but 2 in a matter of a few weeks wasn't right!

Mom as any mother would be was concerned, knowing something wasn't right!

So i rested up and tried to get better because i needed to go back to school, because we all know how strict school's can be if you have time off!

 

I went back to school... still not feeling right though, my body just felt so exhausted... this wasn't right i mean i was 14 years old, i should be running around with tons of energy!

I remember being in DT (design technology) we was doing something with wood work so we was stood up for majority of the lesson and i remember that i kept having really bad sharp back pains... i knew something wasn't right with me... so i carried on thinking it would pass... I remember 3:30 came the bell rang for us to go home, i just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep...

Instead me and Luke had a walk to our nan's to meet Amy there then catch the bus home. I remember the weather not being pleasant either, it was raining... no surprise for England really ;-)

 

 I still wasn't feeling well that week... but i carried on not wanting to be a burden on mom and dad. I still wasn't right and this time i had really bad pain in my stomach... Mom noticed i wasn't myself and took me to the doctors again... Waited to see the doctor. The pain was so bad i wanted to just curl up and cry, because at that age you don't really experience pain and it is such a shock to you. The doctor saw me and saw i was in so much pain, i remember sitting there with mom and the doctor went out the room for several minutes, she then came back with a nurse as she wanted a second opinion... I was confused what was going on. She wanted me to go the the hospital and get checked out as something wasn't right... they thought it was my appendix, they thought perhaps it had ruptured...

I've never paniced so much... i HATED and was terrified of hospitals... I'll never forget the worried look on my mom's face that day...

 

Later that day i was admitted to hospital, they examined me. They didn't think it was my appendix but they kept me in. I remember they gave me a sheet with food choices on for dinner...

Mom said i had to have something but i didn't want anything because at that point i had a phoebia of hospitals and hospital food... I remember i didn't pick anything but the nurse came back with a cheese sandwich cut into triangles with cheese and onion crisps...

 

This wasn't the last for several months later i was in and out of hospital in pain and being so unwell but we still got the same answer off the doctors there...

'Are you being bullied?' 'Are you happy?' 'Do you have friends?'

Mom and dad knew something was up and they never gave up the fight to find out what was wrong with me and to that i will never be able to repay them. Some people with M.E don't get people to believe them, i'm lucky though, i have a mom,dad,brother and sister who believed me... If i'm honest i don't think anyone else really believed me, maybe thought i just couldn't be bothered maybe?

 

I remember once i had an appointment with a consultant about the pains i was having in my back/stomach etc. So me, mom and dad went to this appointment i remember we all sat down, we all wasn't sure really what to expect from this appointment maybe just pain meds?

So we were called through, sat down on the chair and the doctor started talking away...

He mentioned this illness what he thought it could be M.E... me, mom and dad looked at each other looking confused i mean we've never heard of that before... Then he went on to say but to be sure i'm going to need to admit you into hospital to do tests,checks etc and i could be in hospital for some time... i burst into tears i couldn't manage another stay in hospital, i just wanted to be at home with mom, dad, Luke and Amy. It felt like hospitals were taking over my life!

 

Luckily they got the tests all done just over a week later and every test turned out ok. The doctor didn't believe me, she thought i was after attention. That day when she basically said there was nothing wrong with me, i had tears running down my face... i shouted to her "Do you really think i want all this pain for attention, there IS something wrong with me, i wanna be normal!" I was so angry i've never felt so angry before!

 

For years i've fought to get the diagnosis of M.E and firbromyalgia from the doctors with help from mom and dad who never gave up on me!

I've been in that many hospital stays, hospital appointments, blood tests, drips hanging from my arm, morphine being pumped into me, not knowing who i was, lost, several water infections, viruses, angry, lonely to being in a place where i understand myself and who i am!

 

Writing all that scares me... because that wasn't the end... i had so much of a fight. I could write pages of stuff i've been through. I like to think it's made me a stronger person though...

 

I've now come to the realisation that it doesn't matter i'm not doing what i wanted. In some sense i'd rather be where i am today then be where i was then... but i suppose that comes with alot of growing up!

 

For now i'm happy and yes in love with someone who makes me feel like i can conqure the world doing different things but taking health into consideration. He takes care of me, looks out for me, pushes me in a wheelchair, loves me for who i am, listens to me when i'm down and fed up, lets me cry in his arms when i need too, he's generally the most amazing person i've ever met. I've never been in love before and to anyone that hasn't found it yet... your time is coming, there's someone out there for everyone!

 

There are 4 people though who have been there for me in the toughest 7 years of my life... Mom, Dad, Luke and Amy. When it comes to families mine's an amazing 1.

They've given me this inner strength to get through every day and fight!

One day i will repay them for all they have ever done for me. They believed me from day 1, knew i wasn't making it up and wiped away the tears from my face when i couldn't cope any longer. i will never be able to thank them enough and if there reading this, i love you very much and thank you!

 

I've also came to another realisation that i don't need a big career to make them proud like some parents want... i just have to be me.

Maybe i wasn't destined to have a big career, maybe i was destined for other things...

Mom has always told me in life that things happen for a reason and i believe they do...

I'm grateful for the person who i am today, i've had some tough times but there are people out there who are always struggling more than yourself...

I think people give up far too easy these days... Lifes tough but you have to fight your way through it, find an inner strength...

 

To the people who have M.E, fibromyalgia, both or even other illnesses never give up your fight... sometimes we might have nothing left in us but you have to find that piece of strength... Life's too short to take it for granted... Time goes in the blink of an eye!

On a bad day, remember the good things you have, the memories you have and believe you'll have more good times... Because that's what gets me through each day!

 

7 years on... i wonder what i'll be writing in the next 7 years?

Who know's what tomorrow will bring?

 

 

Apologies for the long blog, to be honest i could of gone on longer but i didn't wanna bore you! ;-)

 

Till the next blog...

 

Keep smiling!

 

 

Kate xo.

 



2013...

2013

 

So haven't wrote my blog in a long time... the reason to this is because when I write I want to write something that's interesting an not something that's a pile of crap, so I wait for inspiration to write.

So were coming to the end of 2013...

• Has it been easy? No
• Has it tested me as a person? Yes
• Has there been change? YES

Three questions I think everyone should answer...

I guess I could write a post being full on negative saying that 2013 hasn't been the best but you know what there's worse that goes on out there so no I'm not going to write a load of negative things but as I say in my other blog posts I am going to be honest though...

This year I feel I've been tested... but some tests can be good for you.. challenge is good.

In some way this year I feel I have grown as a person and maybe grown up. Well guess I am nearly 21...

A lot has changed for me this year. One of the best things that I could ever have hoped is that this year I found someone who's so incredibly special to me. Paul who you all read this probably know who he is.. I do tend to mention him a lot! He's helped me an awful lot this year. Been the biggest support that I could of ever hoped for not just for me but for my family too, become my best friend too who at the most hardest time can make me smile, someone who has learned an wants to learn more about my illness, always there when I need him. Paul Phillips is 1 of the most kindest people I have ever met. My mom always told me 1 day I would find someone who was the '1' as they say an I used to think that's utter crap and she was right.. I've found my '1' to everyone out there who believes there destined to be on there own, your not.. there is someone out there who will accept you for you and tear down those barriers you have up. If you have illnesses or disabilities someone out there will accept you for you an see past them.. I didn't think it existed but it does.

I'm sure out there are millions of people who have had a tough year for what ever reason that is...

Life can be tough and sometimes when life's tough on the ones you care about you tend to dislike the world for a bit...

This year I've watched my dad get ill with Parkinson's. One of the most hardest things to watch is watching someone you respect and love get so ill. It breaks my heart seeing him struggling with the simplest tasks in life.

Parkinson's Disease isn't just a shake in the hand, its something that effects your whole body and takes over your life! Something I want to fight for and make people listen!

If there's 1 thing that its taught me this year is that so many illnesses/disabilities don't get enough recognition and get judged.

People's deception of a few disabilities/illnesses: 

M.E - either people have never heard of it or if they have people assume were just lazy.

Parkinson's Disease - its just a shake in the hand

ADHD - your just a person who has anger issues

Depression - someone who's just sad

Anxiety - someone who's scared

Panic Attacks - someone who just panics at things

Then there are other disabilities that don't even get a look in like; aspergers, dyspraxia, epilepsy, dyslexia.. Ok lets be honest the list is endless!

I used to be 1 of those people who just judged and now I'm living proof as are very many people who are misunderstood but we can't get angry over it.. it's just the way life is unfortunately.  

2013 has made me realise I want to make a difference.. help people I guess, because everyone needs a little help, whether they know it or not but not having support off certain people hurts, like a kick to the stomach... so making a difference is something I want to do for 2014.. having someone to talk too and showing a bit of support is something I tend to be thankful for now, so I want to help people in a similar situation...

This year I have changed an awful lot as a person, I'd like to think I've grown and learnt a lot.

Its also made me feel thankful for the people I have in my life.

My mom, who is like my female best friend, always there with love, support and advice.

My dad my hero, who no matter what life has thrown at him this year he's still standing and smiling

Luke my brother, the most kindest and loyal 20 year old I've ever met and this year I'm majorly thankful at how close we have become!

Amy my sister, someone who I can be immature with, she's also another best friend, someone to talk too.

Paul the best person and thing to have come out of this year!

Family to me is the most important thing in this world, I know some people aren't lucky to have that family life so it makes me so grateful knowing I have that family that are supportive, there for me, loyal and love me for me.

No matter how tough things are or what's happened I think people need to try and find something positive from a situation, no matter how crap things are!

We spend most of our time complaining (myself included) and we never take time to be thankful for what we have.

Life is precious and I think everyone needs to make the most of it more.. because you never know what's going to happen tomorrow!

So Christmas is literally around the corner and I for 1 cannot wait!!!

I'm lucky I get to spend it with those who I adore and I am going to make it the best yet!

I know sadly some people won't enjoy Christmas for what ever reason which makes me sad but I guess we all enjoy different things.

So this year I have a decoration on my Christmas tree saying 'Believe' and for those who have had a rubbish year BELIEVE its going to be better next year and that things can only get better!

To everyone reading this...

Merry Christmas, I hope you have an amazing 1 and make the most of it!!!

I probably won't write another blog until 2014 so Happy New Year also!

Bring on 2014 is what I say!!!

Please keep spreading the word about my blog, all reads are so useful...

I intend to raise awareness for M.E but not just M.E now as Parkinson's is going to be another fight to raise awareness for!

Thank you and keep smiling!

Kate xo.

Acceptance

Acceptance

 

When your born you don't have a manual guide that will help you through life, you have to make your own manual along the way as you get older...

 

In this world there are many different types of people. Different sizes, shapes, ethnicity, personality, confident, religion. Ok the fact is this world is full of different people. Each person in this world is different in their own way and that way is special, we should all accept and embrace how different we are. Coming from me this seems hypocritical really...

 

Lets be honest everyone in there head has this idea of the person they would love to be... So mine would be successful, healthy, confident, skinny, independent, popular, a role model... Ok so pretty much perfect, guess we'd all like that. When really I'm FAR from all of those...

 

For nearly all my life and I'm not going to lie yeah I still have those days where I feel the most un successful person going (if that's even a word!), I have no confidence, I'm FAR from skinny, independent (not at times), popular something I never will be, a role model hmm I very much doubt! I have so much self doubt about who I am. Sure people can say to you that your not those things but in your own head you'll never accept what they tell you.

 

I guess when I got ill a lot of them things changed... Sure some people with M.E go out there and are able to study and become successful people and to you reading this I salute you!

I've always wanted to believe I will have some career in something so that people would be proud of me. Yet I read that sentence and it makes me realise I want to do things for other people and make a point to others and why?

 

The past few weeks I've came to realisation I've tried so, so hard to be someone I'm not. This time last year I was convinced I was going to be better, get a job, go nightclubbing, get drunk, walk miles and miles, be 'normal' if there is a 'normal'...

Yet this wasn't and never will be me. Guess I sort of rebelled because I wanted to impress people who I didn't need too... the question I ask myself now is why did I?

I now realise I have NOTHING to prove to anyone... I am who I am!

So what if I like crafting and making cards, staying in on weekends watching xfactor with mom & dad, playing monopoly with Paul, Luke & Amy... I don't care anymore what people think of me.

 

It makes me wonder how many other people feel lost?

The past year I've found who I'm meant to be... I'm meant to be this girl who lives for her family, enjoy going out on silly little trips to Tesco with mom & dad, going to the cinema rather than night clubbing, having a cheeky glass of wine with dad on Saturday, Paul making me laugh while he's pushing me in a wheelchair racing behind people. So what if I'm not able to work because I'm too ill, so what if I have to go in a wheelchair, so what if I'd rather spend time with my family then seeing friends... so what!

 

I'm fed up of not accepting that I am that person... I have come to a conclusion that instead of being ashamed of that person I'm going to embrace and accept I am who I am!

 

Sure a lot of people don't believe in M.E... Those people think we should work, to those who do answer me this so we work, do a few hours, then we crash asleep on the desk... yeah that's professional...

I tried to do college once a week, only a few hours... Last week I had to wake myself up from falling asleep on the desk! Quite embarrassing really!

I did college because I wanted to prove to people I wasn't thick an I never wanted people to think I was lazy either...

Read that sentence again, it was for other people... I'm now thinking to myself why?!

All I have done is want to impress other people... when in the end I have gained nothing from it.

 

I've come to the conclusion everyone is different in this world. You might not be what some people call 'fun' so what if your not? As long as your happy with what you do that's all that matters.

From now on I'm accepting I am who I am and to anyone that doesn't like it... well you know the answer to that. No one in this world is perfect or has this 'perfect' life.

 

I'd rather be someone who looks after there family, in love, penny less, rather than be someone who has money, successful, lonely and selfish who only thinks of themselves.

 

They say everything happens for a reason, I'm 1 of those people that believes that I got ill because there is obviously a different path for me,  I was lost because I needed that person to help fix me an make me realise that I'm fine the way I am and to that person I have to thank is Paul, my mom made me realise I don't need qualifications to be a better person...

 

Life is too short to care what people think... enjoy life the way you want too not the way you think others would want you too!

 

Be Happy!

 

Kate XO.



Anxiety

Firstly, i apologise i haven't blogged in a while. I've not been feeling great and I've been having few down days, which i'm not ashamed to admit... Secondly, thank you to every single person that keeps reading my blog, sharing on facebook, RT'ing on twitter etc! I can't thank you enough, i started blogging to get my feelings out and i'm so grateful for the response i have! Keep sharing, RT'ing etc. If i can help 1 person, I've made a difference! -Thank you!

Anxiety...

 

Ok so how do you exactly explain anxiety? Not an easy question really, so here it goes...

 

Anxiety, hard to explain really when your not a medical profession to give details, stats and all that rubbish... even still then doctors don't really help...

So I'm what.. 1 in many, many people who suffer with anxiety. This for a first wasn't caused because of my M.E well I don't think it was anyway.

 

It started about 4-5 years ago I think it was. I was asleep, peacefully i'd say, although when I get to sleep I do tend to dream a lot, can be very random! Although this dream I THOUGHT I was having wasn't exactly a dream when I woke up...

 

In our old house we had 4 bedrooms upstairs, but because of my M.E at that time I was actually bed bound, couldn't walk, had no feeling in my legs nothing really. So I had a room downstairs that mum and dad turned into a bedroom for me as I obviously wasn't able to get upstairs.

It was a room on the front of the house, had a street lamp outside... you'd of thought it would of kept me awake but funny enough it didn't. My bed was at the back of the room facing the window, with a small TV in the corner.

 

Anyway this 1 night in July was about 3:50AM, early morning on a Saturday. I was sound asleep as was the rest of the house. I was having this dream, well I thought it was a dream where I had 2 shadows outside my window. One was wearing some sort of cap, the other had a shaved head from what I gathered. They had a crow bar in their hands, wearing gloves from what I could tell from the shadow... they were actually trying to get into my room, so they was trying to break into the house... Of course I opened my eyes after that I thought to myself "what a weird dream!" I thought it was strange i woke up on my back as i normally sleep on my front or back, i tilted my head about 10cm forward if that... Yeah it wasn't actually a dream it was actually happening, two men were actually trying to break in! I froze for a few seconds, my heart i thought was actually going to come out my chest, i thought "oh my god, they are gonna get in" I could see this crow bar being pulled with quite a bit of force then there partner in crime was trying with a screw driver, they kept trying and trying, not giving up! After i got my head around the situation, thinking they were going to get in and the thought they were gonna hurt me and i hadn't got the energy to fight them back if they got in, i actually slowly reached for my phone which was on my bed side table. I didn't want to move much in case they could see my reflection. I made a phone call to my mum, i remember it ringing... and when mum picked up she said "is everything ok?" i replied saying in a shivery voice "mom, there's someone trying to break into my room!" I remember whispering that in case they could hear me and mum saying "WHAT!" an rushed downstairs with dad, at this point the two men had gone. Next i remember dad with a baseball bat then running back upstairs to look out their window to see where they was, they was trying to get into the house up the corner and i remember dad shouting "I can see the little b*******!" Mum was giving me a hug at this point... then she had to block the front door as my dad wanted to find the men who were trying to break in! I remember mum and dad being down within seconds and in that space she had rang the police. It took the police exactly 3 minutes to get to ours, we had a police car, riot van and a helicopter out. They got my dad in the van because they thought if my dad had caught the two men before them that dad would of killed them. So the police kept my dad in the van, dad gave the statement on my behalf as i felt really shaky... If that's even the word to describe it! I then remember mum helping me into my wheelchair an she rolled me to the front door and there was a neighbour being nosy or being concerned, i don't know but she was confused what was happening.

Anyway the two men got away with it when they did eventually get caught by the police as apparently they were 'out clubbing and needed a pee' funny enough it was an estate... not on a main road! There was evidence on my window that there was a screw driver and crow bar that had been used, but because they had wore gloves there was no finger prints and the police couldn't do anything.

 

Ever since that incident i have suffered quite bad with anxiety... I only have to hear a noise at night and i'm scared! Luckily enough we moved out that house with 1 of the reasons being i just couldn't be in that house anymore along with other reasons.

 

I keep thinking to myself that i have my anxiety under control... but i actually don't!

It was a few months back now, i had Lawson posters in my room. One night i remember waking up and could hear a noise and actually thought it was happening again, i could hear noises and started to have a panic attack... although thankfully it wasn't actually that, it was my Lawson poster falling off my wall slowly. It took me a while to calm down.

 

Ever since all that happened i seem to have an anxiety with people. If i go out and there is loads of people around me i panic, can feel my heart beating really fast, breathing goes funny and then i have to say to my mum can we get out of here. I feel uncomfortable meeting new people, people sometimes coming to the house. I just feel anxious and wary.

 

I seem to get anxious a lot when there's a situation i can't control. All this going on with my dad, him being diagnosed with Parkinson's disease a few months back made me feel anxious. It was a situation i couldn't make better or get under control for him. Seeing the people i love and care about suffer makes me really anxious and panic as i need them!

 

I was meant to be having a party for my 21st birthday party but yet again my anxiety came into it. All those people around me, feeling suffocated and no where to go, all the stress of feeling no one's gonna turn up... i thought to myself i don't need this stress along with everything else, so me and mum came to the right decision to cancel.

 

I have good and bad days with my anxiety, along with millions of people who suffer with it!

With some cases of anxiety you can't even manage to leave the house, the thought is that frightening! 

 

Yeah sure you can get help and medication for anxiety but should we really just keep sweeping anxiety under the carpet?!

I am not ashamed to say i suffer with depression and anxiety and yes that might come under mental health the word i hate 'mental' but i am no way ashamed!

I used to be years ago as i felt i was 'weird' but i embrace it now, why should we be ashamed?

There are many reasons why people suffer with anxiety and depression.

 

For example i'm sure my mum won't mind me mentioning she suffers from both because of her bad childhood which has made her suffer.

 

I am lucky i have a very amazing support system but it makes me sad to think of the people who don't have that support from family or friends... Someone to listen and understand!

 

I want more done to help people, not just to be swept under the carpet with appointment after appointment...

 

I understand some people can get bit better if they are on medication or see a councillor BUT there will always be that trigger point that could bring it back, not as bad but it'll always be there!

 

To the people who can get over it, i applaud you and how strong minded you are but to those who cant.. KEEP FIGHTING!

 

M.E, anxiety and depression is a battle i won't loose against!

 

Kate XO.

 



Sacrifice's?

Can I just say a quick thank you to everyone who read and commented to me about last week's blog... I'm glad people are reading them and finding them interesting. I hope I can keep writing and you want to keep reading! -Thank you for your comments, much appreciated!

Sacrifice's

 

This week's blog comes with a little help from Amy as she helped me pick the topic, so Amy thank you! ;-)

 

 

Ok so at some point in life everyone makes sacrifice's, whether it's be big or small...

 

This week i had to sacrifice something that was pretty big to me.. maybe not to anyone else but to me it was big. I was due to go and see Lawson in concert and because of my M.E relapsing I couldn't go. There a band for anyone who doesn't know and I am a HUGE fan to say the least!

I had to pick what was more important... my health or a concert.

Guess many of you are thinking yeah concert all the way.. yeah if only it was that simple!

There are simple reason's why this just wasn't possible!

• I didn't physically have the energy to get ready
• I had the risk of being so much worse off than what I already was
• Anxiety, which seems to have been particularly bad lately
• I also had literally no sleep that day

Ok, I could of probably thought of loads of reasons but mainly it was I have to think of the impact on my health. I used to take many risks on my health which used to make me 100 times worse! Something I now can't afford to do. This week my M.E was particularly worse than normal as I struggled with speech, picking things up, dropping things, struggling to walk to the toilet which is a few steps away and even raising my arm slightly became difficult. So if I felt like that before how I went how the hell would I of been the next day?!

 

My mom made sacrifices for me when I become ill, ones that the word 'thank you' will never be enough. She gave up working, a job she enjoyed and made a difference to people's lives... Instead she gave up work to care for me 24/7. From the simplest things that  some people would laugh about like helping me with the toilet, to taking me out and getting some sort of life! You name it my mom has to do it for me...

 

Paul said to me this week if only people realised what M.E can actually do to you... He said how much people take things for granted even to the point of feeding themselves or even lifting there arms. Something us M.E sufferers struggle day to day with but its not just M.E sufferers, other illnesses are the same! I used to think Parkinson's was just a shake then my dad got it and he/he is getting worse with the simplest of tasks being difficult... So it makes me think twice now!

 

Amy my little sister has also had to make many sacrifices, considering she is only 16!

A lot of people are aware Amy has M.E and fibromyalgia herself so she can't unfortunately live the life she wants. Before she got ill, Amy wanted to be a carer. Something that she would of been amazing at, anyone who knows Amy will know what a loving, warm and kind person she is, she would of been amazing! Sadly because of the M.E she can't physically do that... instead she is hoping to become some sort of teaching assistant. Last year she wasn't able to do as many GCSE's as what 'normal' people would do, but she did a few an what amazing results she had for those! A lot of sacrifices for a 16 year old who just wants a normal life!

 

M.E sufferers have to sacrifice a lot of independence!

 

It's not just M.E sufferers who make sacrifices... my point i'm making is that sometimes loads of sacrifices are made in life, perhaps more than we realise?

I mean what do you have to sacrifice? Its a question to think about...

 

A quote I heard off 1 of my favourite TV programmes 'One Tree Hill' I thought it was quite relevant for this week's blog...

 

"Sometimes Our Hearts Are Willing But Our Bodies Say No" 

 

Anyway till next week,

 

Keep smiling!!! :-)

 

Kate! XO



Depression...

Ok so firstly thank you to everyone who read my blog last week. I was overwhelmed to have got over a 100 people read it! I didn't think it was that interesting.. but I had some lovely comments via facebook and twitter. So a lot of people commended me on being so open and honest.. so i'm going to keep on writing so honestly and openly.. which could be a bad thing but could also be a good thing.. thank you for taking the time for reading again, i'm going to keep on writing so hope you like this weeks, all comments are appreciated!

 

Depression

 

Depression... what is it?! Some people probably question what depression actually is and what it entails...

Everyone who suffers with depression will suffer on different scales and will/would of had a trigger point with it...

 

That trigger point can be the loss of a loved one, loss of a certain life, bullying, being unhappy in a certain situation, unhappy childhood, seeing someone suffer.. Ok lets face it the list is endless right? Anything can trigger it.

 

In my case my depression came with a loss of life I had and what I knew I couldn't have... I guess its not to the extreme of loosing someone who I love but that's what my trigger point was and still is...

 

I can still be in denial with my depression and i'm happy to admit that. I've suffered with it since I was 14-15, I am now 20. It's only been since this year I've been able to really accept that my depression is still here and probably always will be. My depression is like a rollercoaster up, down, round and round!

 

My lowest point was 2-3 years ago when I was bed bound with my M.E... Couldn't move, lived in my P.Js, my mom had to help me with the toilet, showering, standing up, you name it my mom had to do it for me.. Even to the extreme at some points of feeding me.

I used to be on morphine to help the pain.. although it didn't really help! (weird how the body wouldn't even let that pain relief work!)

Morphine made me into a zombie. I didn't know what was happening around me, I felt lost.

I remember it being 1 evening, I couldn't feel my legs, I was paralysed.. mom had to help me have a wee, I wet myself because I couldn't get up quick enough... Mom was brilliant as always, she's 1 amazing woman my mom! I remember crying.. Mom was saying "its ok, its just an accident, 1 of those things" From that I had to wear incontinence pads, bit like a nappy but for adults because I kept having problems. No i'm not ashamed to admit it, M.E can do that to you.. That you can't get to the toilet because you don't have the energy so you have to have a commode, like a seat with a bucket underneath. I felt so ashamed at that time to admit it.

I remember thinking to myself "what's happening to me, who am I, what's the point in this life"

No one will know this till now (but I did say I was going to be honest) I didn't want to be here anymore, I hated the life I had, I didn't see my relevance in the world anymore... I wanted the suffering and pain to stop, i didn't want to wake up anymore...

I felt like that for a while but I never wanted to tell anyone because I was ashamed of how I was feeling and never wanted my family: mom, dad, brother (Luke) and sister (Amy) to think it was them or even blame themselves. Us 5 are a tight unit and we all bounce off each other and when 1 suffers we all do, that's the way us Whittingham's have always worked. We've had too. Luckily I didn't give up and i'm here now to tell the tale.

Music funny enough helped me get out that dark place.. I stopped listening to the tune and started listening to the words of songs and that strangely helped me.

Before anyone worries I've never had those thoughts since. I've fought hard and i'm not ashamed to admit I still am fighting. Depression will always be an on going battle but I wont give up!

 

My depression has been bad lately as I have suffered a relapse in my health and I am bed bound/house bound. If I manage to get out once a week I think its my birthday... sad eh! ;-) But its not just that we've also recently discovered that my dad has Parkinson's disease... It made me angry to think that out of all those selfish, horrible and bad people in the world and my dad who is 1 of my hero's could get so ill.. I felt/still feel it is just so unfair to see my dad suffer.. and Parkinson's isn't just a 'shake' as people think there's a lot more to it, if only people knew!

 Yet again its made me, mom, dad, Luke and Amy a tighter family unit than ever realising we'll take on anything that comes our way, we stick together. We have had a 6th family member added to our family lately and that's Paul. Who has been nothing but amazing, everything he has had to take on in just a short space of time!

 

I feel that depression isn't recognised enough and I HATE that it gets labelled by some people that if your 'depressed' your automatically 'mad' this is so NOT the case and the day people accept that the better in my opinion!!!

 

I am so lucky that I have the best support system going when my depression gets bad...

If it wasn't for my mom, dad, Luke, Amy and Paul I would be very lost and in a dark place!

I  do get annoyed with myself when I have dark days and moan as I am lucky compared to some people with my life and the people I have in it.

 

If you do feel like your in a dark place, don't suffer alone and remember not to give up, you can get through anything, don't give up!!! :-)

 

So this last paragraph is a thank you from the bottom of my heart to the best mom in the world, the best dad in the world, the best sister in the world, best brother in the world and the best boyfriend in the world who still help me get through every day and they all put a smile on my face in what ever they do! I'm proud and lucky to have you all in my life and I love you all with every piece of my heart! -thank you!

 

 

Sorry for the long blog, I can write for England sometimes! ;-)

 

Kate! XO